HOW TO SLAUGHTER A CHICKEN

This is probably the longest post i have so far.

I actually know this by heart. It's a feeling similar to memorizing the shortest verse in a religious text. I'm actually a certified expert in chicken slaughtering, i offer services just order at: ianjob244@gmail.com. Thank you very much. Now; okay you will obviously need the main culprit or is it victim, whatever. Get the hen or cork you want to kill, yeah all you animal rights' keep your opinions to others but me. In some large community a chicken is much sweeter after you out-chase it. Never mind though.

Take a sharp knife, a blunt knife is being inhumane. Hold the bird firmly on the ground and make sure the blood won't spill all over you.You can hold it down by it's wings and feet. Stretch out the head being in your palm. Cut fast just beneath the beak, control the bleeding in whatever way you know best. You may prepare the head or be generous to some cat or dog. Find some extremely hot water and deep the dead bird in. This loosens the feathers, then carefully without burning yourself pluck the feathers off, the scales from the feet and beak. 

Then you may as well get rid of the scarce fur that still remains by placing the featherless bird over a small fire or charcoal.

Take the naked chicken and slice it into smaller pieces by cutting along the joints. Now; near it's rear, make a small incision, enough for your hand to go through. Get your hand in there and pull out the insides, all of them. Sort them out and mind the green bag, gallbladder. everyone says it's poisonous, oh it will make the meat bitter. Well i have never tried it out but you can try it out for me ... please! (I'm not begging) Enough. Now; wash the meat and cook it however you want, boil it, steam it, barbecue it, fry it (personal favorite) or make a stew with it,include potatoes, tomatoes, onions spices oil and all. Eat with anything, Ugali, Rice, Chapati, anything carbohydrate. For those of you who are scared, remember this is food not a pet, FOOD. I know this posting is vague but as Nadia Favre is fond of saying at her 105.5 Xfm show. If you didn't understand it, then it's your own damn fault. PS though: I'm always here to clarify and explain anything.  

CRUCIAL COOKING TIP #2

This also applies to anything in life. Always concentrate on the task at hand until you complete it. We are not microprocessors to multi task. Maybe a bunch of guests who probably hate you are waiting for that recipe you seem to have fetched from your kitchen and it just burns and you have to order take out. SHAME ON YOU all of you who have cool kitchens and still order take outs. As Diego was told in 'ice age'; YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO HUMANITY.

HOW TO BECOME FAT TIP #3

FAST FOODS are your best friend my friend if you are looking to become fat like me.I mean i'm also thin trying to hide my rib-cages and sharp pointy elbows. So if you want to gain some weight fast start eating anything from a fast food joint. Chew that ham, pop those oily fries, pick a slice of cheesy pizza and bite that chicken steak. Don't forget to mouth wash with some diet coke or just coke or any soda, anything but water. Not alcohol. Remember that too much of anything is poisonous. When you have achieved your goal of being fat stay away from those fast foods. Too much of those delicious stuff is bad for you. Order something from fatburger,  maybe you will get some fat cheeks like someone i know. no offense taken.

SECRET TO BECOME FAT #2

Okay so it's as simple as thinking (at least for me) or maybe whatever you consider simple, whatever. Now if you want to become fat just start secretly eating everything everyone says stop eating. After a month or a few weeks not more than four weeks if you have added 5 kilograms or about 10 pounds for those of you weirdos. Okay what was i saying ... yeah when you gain 5 kg in four weeks start listening to those advices and stop eating whatever everyone says is bad for you. They will probably never become fat and so they want you too to be like them. i think fat is beautiful, not unhealthy fat. there is a difference.

CRUCIAL COOKING TIP

You must note that some foods have to be boiled before actually you start the actual cooking. Most cooking enthusiasts scratch their heads after following a recipe and it never comes out the way it's been described, well the issue could be you never boiled some ingredients.Even meat has to be boiled before being fried or made into stew. Basically any farm produce foods have to be boiled unless they are fresh produce like vegetables don't ever boil veggies but you can fry and simmer. The reason why some recipes include adding water is for the boiling process. Boiling brings out the natural original taste.
Some of the foods to boil before adding as ingredients include: Yam, Sorghum, Sweet potatoes, Traditional ingredient vegetables (called mboga za kienyeji in Kenya), basically any dry cereals. raw food stuff including meat unless you are frying or barbecuing. Poisonous foods too it's my personal opinion and advice that you boil that poisonous frog or snail thoroughly before actually cooking in which case you should sanitize the boiling ingredients from the cooking ingredients. A Google search on the process will go a long way like saving your life.
JUST CONSULT YOUR PEER ON WHICH FOODS TO BOIL BEFORE COOKING.  

Simple Spaghetti dish

Take a bunch of spaghetti sticks that you assume will satisfy your hunger. Soak them in a little bit of water just to make them soft and curly. At the same time put a cooking pan with oil on the heat. Take the soaked spaghetti and dry it a little. And when the oil is hot smoky put the in and stir as if frying. Fry for a while until the oil is all mixed up and the soaked spaghetti is fried enough. You can add salt to taste.
Cut or crate some tomatoes and onions and a few usual ingredients you use. Remove the fried spaghetti from the pan and add more oil this time add onions and fry a bit to golden brown color. Then add the tomatoes and whatever else you want. stir to make a sauce then taste the sauce just for fun then add the fried spaghetti.

Cook for as little time as possible. You can add soup or not then serve hot with a cool drink (it could be cold tap water, that's my favorite(ice cold rain water when i'm tasty))

HOW TO BECOME FAT tip number one

Start eating nutritious foods. Not quantity but focus on quality. Make sure you have carbohydrates, proteins, vitamins at least all in one. Don't forget water, i don't mean mineral water i honestly don't think boiled water and mineral water is healthy, i prefer clean tap water. but hey that's me.

HOW TO BECOME FAT

HOW TO BECOME FAT
Okay i have searched online about this topic without substantial and solid plus satisfying results so this year i will start writing snippets of how to become fat. Guys are so into obesity they have forgotten all about us who are underweight, in Kenya we call them one gb. DONT GET ME WRONG gaining weight is as hard as losing it and some of us are really trying hard.